Problem: Despite all of the lovely things that come with being home for summer- like early mornin’ hugs from parents & late night movies with brothers & cuddles from the world’s greatest golden retriever- I’m really not adjusting well. And its been almost a month and a half.
The years of me growing up under the umbrella of their lives, my parents diligently spent training me how to have my own. College was my first real chance to step out from their umbrella and raise up my own. Under my own “umbrella” [I don’t know where it came from but I’m just going to keep rolling with this metaphor] I could walk whichever way I wanted: traipse through the woods, along the path, down by the creek, wherever. Yes indeed, I did find peace in the Lord’s direction and strove for the destinations He gave, but along my journey I was in control to pause to look around, stay awhile admiring a view, take the path with a few more puddles to splash in- my yellow galoshes creating fireworks from the still water, or maybe sight see a little here and there. Coming back home is like having to close up my umbrella, setting it down to dry, and stepping back under theirs. In some ways it’s a relief to give my arms a rest since I’m no longer the one holding it up, but, my sense of adventure blossomed while I was out on my own, and I’ve found it hard to be obliging to stick to the paths my parents aim. There’s not really an “agree on a destination and everyone meet up there but go your own route” option. Instead of picking my own path I have to follow the one they’d like to go down. Which does have some nice views, but after all the training that gave me & a decently successful pilot test out on my own, it really does feel stifling to move back to a following-happily mentality. But, it’s not my umbrella to take. It’s their life, their house, and their schedules that I’m stepping back into and that isn’t a bad thing. It’s just after having all of those things for myself whilst away, I’m too selfish to not struggle with still wanting them.
Solution: Well, my coping mechanism before diagnosing this tension and discomfort was redecorating my room, the one place that is all, well mostly, in my control. This has actually been a help; focusing on the things that I have control over and on areas where I can build my own life off of theirs has been helpful. Also lots of prayer. For a family to work properly the members have to be a team and incredibly unselfish. I’m not there yet and that’s an area I’ve been talking with God about and trying to take steps to work on. The other things that’s helpful was taking the time to realize this is why I don’t feel at home in my home; realizing I’ve moved on and I really do have a new home back at the Grove.
Thanks for reading my musings, I hope maybe they illuminated something for you like they did for me!