Sitting, or rather slouching against the pillows, here, upon my bed, two days before I head out for my Sophomore year of college, “Set A Fire” is playing and the lyrics “I want more” are repeating over and over, in a humbling plead for God to decrease us and increase Himself in us. Freshman year was incredible, for a plethora of reasons, but in part because in addition to all the classroom learning, I learned so much about me, who I am in a space I got to make all my own, and really how little I am but how great my story could be if I let the Lord have His way in my life.
“I want more,” Will Reagan and the Pursuit are repeating. Me too, Will Reagan, me too.
I know how ignorant I am of other cultures and of the total depravity that is being experience by so many people in this time, in this world. My world. Actually, truth is I probably don’t even know how ignorant I am. My head knows people are suffering terribly and joy, something I’m blessed to feel so often, has been stolen completely out of the lives of so many other for various reasons. But I ashamed to say as much as that shakes me, it doesn’t shake me enough. I know I don’t understand it fully, I maybe never will, but I want to be stripped of this ignorance. I know where I’m at now is probably way more comfortable than understanding will be, but truth is I’m uncomfortable with myself and with my unresponsiveness to the issues that devastate our world.
I want to have more knowledge. More understanding. More love for others. More Jesus in me.
I want to know how to help and I know I will be able to help best when I understand the true issues. When I’m in proximity to the issues. When I can hold the broken in my arms and weep with them, not just for them. Someday, I want to hold them while weeping with joy looking back on a story of God’s mercy and creative solutions provided by Him, but I’m terribly afraid that weeping in sorrow for what hurts must come first.
I want to travel, not to see the world, but to meet the people of the world. I want to fall in love with a million hearts in a thousand and one places and pour my heart out into people and into solutions for those dear people. I want to use physical solutions to display to people the only true solution to any mess: Jesus & the Gospel message.
I don’t know what physical problems the Lord will call me to help mend, or where it will be- the US, in Asia, South America, Africa- but I know the first step in that will be breaking down the walls of my tiny mind. And for that reason, I am praying to be sent.
Thank you for your reading time,